Energetic Boundaries: My Story of Being Married to a Rabbi

When we were Rabbi and Rebbitzin (this means Rabb’s wife, but I always preferred Ariela!), of two large communities in Iowa and Boston, I was growing and raising children. Four children to be exact. For most of the time, I was either pregnant, giving birth, nursing or raising newborns and toddlers. I struggled with postpartum health challenges, juggling my own children’s needs, and balancing my obligations. During this time, I played my role well - I smiled, laughed, schmoozed during kiddush lunch, and dressed the part.

No one saw what was happening inside of me. I was a sensitive empath, struggling to maintain my boundaries while soaking up the energy of 500 plus people. Every Shabbat, holiday, event, and sometimes even while grocery shopping in a small town, I was inundated with emotional energy.

I struggled to hold my boundaries while also holding my babies’ boundaries, all while not feeling like my highest self. Nursing, parenting, being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and just being a sensitive empath meant I had to seriously hold the inner fort down while trying to be kind and friendly. Inside, I was trying my hardest to create an energetic boundary around my babies and I often hid in my husband’s office during lunch, utterly exhausted by all of it.

I was a great actress. I loved pieces of this role. But my authentic self screamed for ways to protect myself. I had a role to play, cute babies, and I was of course the Rabbi’s wife.

It wasn’t until I started to teach yoga that I created enormous protection around myself and my children. I hired help to manage my kids’ energy so they could also feel protected. I created a name and role for myself that was more than the Rabbi’s wife and learned the art of energetic boundaries. I said no more often than yes. I released the people that liked me only for my title, and stayed home from nighttime events unless absolutely necessary. 

Most of all, I learned to take full responsibility for my life and my children. Instead of letting my energy drain, feeling agitated and confused by holding everyone and everything together, I was honest. I spoke my truth, even when I lost friends. I protected my children, and let go of what teachers and other prominent people in the community thought of the way I did things, and the decisions I made for them. I became a mother lion, and I put a circle of light around them and myself. It was incredibly challenging because I was taught to appease, say yes, and care more about what others thought about me than what I thought about myself.

And I was the one that created the ultimate boundary around my family when I brought the idea of moving to Israel to my husband. We agreed together, but my need to release congregational life and live in the Jewish mountains won my husband over.

It was time I used my voice.

It was the greatest boundary of my life so far. It was hard, but it was worth it. I found my voice. I used it, and have never looked back. 

There are so many more stories; I could write a book.

And there are so many ways and techniques you have heard before about creating healthy boundaries.

But here is the number one thing I learned in the 18 beautiful years I was a Rebbetzin: it was no one’s fault that I was a sponge for other’s energy. It was my nervous system wired towards unrest, and prone to caring more about what others thought about me than what I thought about me.  I had to say yes to myself so I could say no to other people’s opinions. I had to seriously self-love to stop living life for others and live life for myself and what was best for my children. 

If this is resonating with you, this is your message to start really saying yes to YOU and stop soaking up the rest of the world, including war fears, pandemic fears, anxieties about the future, others’ expectations, social media, relationship issues, collective fear, etc. 

Take full responsibility for your life. This is the only life you have right now in this present moment. No one can live it for you. Say yes when you mean it, but absolutely say no to what does not serve you. Raise your consciousness above the mainstream fears, and decide who you want to be and how you want to live every single moment of your life.  Learn to do this by listening to the still small voice within, and take guided action. If you are unsure if this voice is true and right, act upon it a few times and see if it works for you.

Get super curious about your inner guidance team and become obsessed with loving yourself and creating a life you can be proud of.  When we take full responsibility for our lives, we start to open our eyes to the things we are doing that feel wrong, and not for our highest selves. That will trickle out to the rest of the world. They may not like it at first, but when we stand in our own bubble of energy, we teach others to do so as well.

If you feel distraught about our world, be the change you want to see by taking full responsibility for living your highest truth, speaking it, and living your authentic life. 

Take one step at a time, and then watch your world unfold in such a way that every day is magic and beautiful because you intend to create it that way.

I am living proof that living for others, being a martyr, and an exhausted empath is not the best for you or those around you.

Teach others to live in their own bubble of energy, by living inside of your own.